Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That awkward moment when you see a commercial for "Designated Survivor" and wished it was reality.

   Interviewer: You responded to my question too briefly and you were hesitant. Me: I was thinking how stupid was your question!

   Never owned a single pair of shoes in my life. I just keep renting them from the bowling alley.

   When I was young I kept asking myself what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now I know the answer: I want to be young.

   Ever been so drunk you ate a frozen burrito?

   Everytime I lose a sock I gain a Tupperware lid.

   Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, and the box of chocolate chip cookies preferably within arm's reach.

   If I ever choke to death on gummy bears, can we just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that?

   Cardi B is a former stripper. Prime example of why the expression “Don’t quit your day job” was created.

   Paradox: When you get two pairs of Doc Martin shoes for your birthday.

   n't it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

   Comedian: Thanks everyone you've been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress. Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

   Need a math nerd to solve problem: I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun

   With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don't time.

   Me: *trying to hock a loogie* Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

   Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

   The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop

   Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

   Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I'm gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

   Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View.