Funny Status Messages
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It's amazing the places I travel to when I'm talking on the phone. 
I know I overdo goodbyes to the Ladies. They dont all have to end in a slow dance to "Careless Whisper".
I think it's pretty awesome to be overweight, because I can usually foil any trapdoor plans
I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot, Sweet and "That's mine, don't f*cking touch it!"
I'm starting to think I really need a vacation, this morning I caught myself pretending the shower head was a waterfall!!
I don't hate you…I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence
StubHub should really be a place where single amputees meet.
If you were never stuck in the corner for doing something bad when you were younger then you never had a childhood
Dear pretty girls in my classes, You have significantly improved my attendance. Keep doing what you do. Much love, The brunette guy you keep catching staring at you.
forgot to put the seat belt on my 8-year-old boy this morning. "You are an irresponsible father!" Someone shouted "Who said that? I shouted. "Stop the car, son."
That makes about as much sense as a a gay guy in a topless bar
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Dear Sir, Since taking your body building course, I have a 44 inch chest, a 32 inch waist, 17 inch biceps and an 18 inch neck. I feel great. I also feel that my chances of marriage are spoiled. Sincerely, Mary Goldberg
"Tip for today's value shopper: Keep UPC's in your pocket and use the self-checkout."
I forgive people, but that doesn't mean I trust them thereafter.
Authorities would stop worrying about the number of people who die because of alcohol if they took into account the number of people who are born because of alcohol.
Happy TGIF to all you hardworking homemakers...(hey, its cheaper than flowers)
What's the best way to keep from wrinkling? Keep fat.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Whenever I find out someone has a waterbed I always think, “That's probably not the only thing you have”. 