santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Amazon is now offering Special Christmas Drone Deliveries to Pakistan!

   Kids brought home a flier from school yesterday asking how many would be attending the "holiday celebration" at school. My wife writes down 4, then crosses out "holiday celebration" and writes in CHRISTMAS PARTY! Just call her old school!

   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

   No Miley, Santa doesn’t have a "twerkshop"

   Vodka works better than Mistletoe at Christmas Parties. That's because with Vodka someone is getting kissed whether they want it or not.

   eating Babybels at this special time of year. After all, Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without the baby cheeses.

   Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you said you were gay.

   Dear Santa: I would like a bailout and a bonus. I have been really bad this year and therefore I deserve it.

   I'm not saying I gained weight over the holidays... All I'm saying is bring me Solo and the Wookie.

   Ladies if you wanna get yo man a tie this Christmas thats fine...Just make sure you are wearing tie with nothing else on when you give it too him...

   Santa works one day a year and spends the other 364 judging people. Where can I apply for this job?

   Dear Coworkers, all I want for Christmas is you... to not talk to me before 9am.

   I crammed 3 Christmas' s in 3 States within 2 days! I don't know how Santa does it!!!

   Sorry can't... Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and taking copious notes.

   Pro-tip: Turn your dishwasher into a snowplow this christmas by giving her a shovel.

   Why are some parents hypocritical..."don't lie to me or I'll tell SAnta on you"

   My next plan for Christmas shopping would be buying a couple of laptops to like my status on this ...

   Watching Nightmare Before Christmas with a nice mug of wine and a bag of Doritos. This is the post-graduate life.

   I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations...

   I wrap the first few presents Martha Stewart style but towards the end they take on a drunk Helen Keller style.