Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

   Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm,, You may NOT want in a phone that sets itself on fire,, to be water resistant guys.

   If your phone is autocorrecting kindergarten to Kardashian, the world is not wrong, it's your search habits.

   If God gave you a good singing voice, you should sing loud in church to give thanks. And if God gave you a not-so-good singing voice, you should sing loud in church to get back at Him.

   NASA announced that the Earth-like planets orbiting Trappist-1 already has about 300 Starbucks on them.

   I had lunch today with a chess player. I asked him to pass the salt and it took him 20 minutes.

   I can picture it now. Xi says in Chinese "look at this fat idiot attack that chocolate cake." And then the interpreter says in English "we agree that this meeting has been very useful".

   Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.

   I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

   My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.

   I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....

   Do Millennial kids just trick or treat online?

   My mother in law won "best decorated house" yesterday for Halloween?..she was only opening the curtains?

   My mother-in-law sent me the link to the site where you can buy a boarding pass to Mars. She even offered to pay for the ticket. That's so sweet of her.

   Word of the day: Ididarod - Monica Lewinski's autobiography.

   I don't see any way for the Eagles to beat the Patriots now that Glenn Frey passed away.

   The Tide commercials during the Superbowl were not a hit with older folks but the kids are them up

   my ex was so obsessed with her horoscope. its what Taurus apart.

   It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas needs to be less commercialized so remember whose birthday it is.

   I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.