Funny Status Messages

   so the technology exists allowing us to watch TV and movies in 3-D or HD, but when it comes to security camera footage it still looks like it's being shot with the camera from Blair Witch Project."

   Why do we need algebra? Finding X is only useful if you're a pirate.

   Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.

   I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me “I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you? I replied. “I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?”

   I organized a three some last night....there were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time

   That moment of panic when you clog someone else's toilet and you realize that don't have a plunger in the bathroom!!

   Not that I'm complaining, but I think the sales lady at the furniture store misunderstood when I told her I wanted one nightstand."

   I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(

   I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life

   It's almost tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?

   What is love? I don't even want an answer. I'm just ecstatic knowing that at least 90% of you thought "Baby, don't hurt me."

   I like to title my documents "The World" so I can feel great when I click Save

   if The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

   As I, once again, found myself glued to the riveting action of Olympic Curling, I couldn't help but see a missed advertising opportunity. Swiffer WetJet should be sponsoring the hell out of this event.

   Like Buttons: for people too lazy to post a comment.

   This world is coming to an end.. Volcanoes, floods, earthquakes, Justin Bieber..

   I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.

   They say a a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have enemies that'll look me dead in the eye while taking a sh!t on my carpet.

   Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.