Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The NCAA is going to run this new commercial, "There are 11 players on Clemson's defense, and all of them will be going pro in something other than sports".

   Every girl I bring home is unemployed, drunk and on drugs. I'm starting to think that whole "opposites attract" thing is bullsh$t

   Some people's standards don't match their face.

   "I wasn't that high!" "Dude, you walked into class, late, sat down & tried to put your seatbelt on."

   If anyone ever tells you “Good Luck in your future endeavors” It's just a polite way to say “Go ███████ Your self!” :P

   If a girl doesn't squeeze toothpaste from the bottom up, never ask her for a handjob.

   Bills are like pubes; better when you don't have any.

   Seen on a prison wall: "VIRGINITY - who says you can only lose it once?"

   If you play a Nicki Minaj song and a Snoop song at the same time, you can understand what they're saying

   Wife: Hey babe! How's your "Boy's Night Out" going? Me: Don't hang up! They say I only get one phone call..

   Just poured a packet of Jello powder in the fishbowl while my fish was asleep. PUNK'D!

   Facebook is great for reminding me why I lost touch with certain people in the first place.

   I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.

   if I wanted a "home cooked" meal, I'd stay home and cook!

   A perfect relationship is one which the only thing you fight about is who gets to hold the camera when you're fvcking...

   Trying to write a screenplay about an overcrowded cemetery but there's no plot.

   Wow... I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look.

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a lame reply saying "LOL".

   Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?

   My girlfriend told me I'm awful in bed. I don't know how she can tell in 30 seconds.