Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a pregnant woman is swimming, does that make her a human submarine?

   Why don't witches wear panties? Because they get a better grip on their brooms without them.

   The evening news begins with good evening. Then they proceed to tell you why it not.

   When one door closes, another one opens which is great-unless you're am idiot and you didn't notice.

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline it logged me back onto MySpace

   When I see names and hearts carved into a tree I don't think it's cute. I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.

   People with handlebar mustaches should be forced to box kangaroos.

   Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"

   Why is it that Tampax advertisements always shows women ice skating, dancing or playing tennis. The only activity my wife partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.

   I used to wish to have lots of money... since that never happened, I'm settling for a tool that converts Farmville coins to real cash... my cows will do the rest

   To all of the guys who have creeped a girl out so much to the point of her never talking to you again, I just have one thing to say to you: Where do I sign up? 

   If you hear a thud don't worry , it's just me dancing naked on your roof .

   A complicated relationship is when the Queen of mixed signals hooks up with the King of idiots.

   Your call to action went straight to voicemail.

   Hey Reality, I've a extremely large list of people you've forgot to slap!

   botox, hair dye, liposuction, firming body cream ...your only hope now is to find the fountain of intelligence

   having Chris Hansen show up I assume is alot like getting Rick Roll'd for pedophiles

   Its hard to love someone you don't trust. Its even harder to love someone who doesn't trust you.

   At this point I view every photo of myself as a “before” photo.

   Don't you hate when your friends embarrass you in front of your real friends