Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   My boss yelled at me yesterday "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it's Friday?"…

   Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.

   Karen on Facebook says… "Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(" That's probably why your husband left, Karen.

   Can someone get Seal Team Six some round trip tickets to North Korea?

   I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

   I put bubble wrap under my mattress during sex. It sounds like fireworks. Makes for much more festive mood

   I'm gonna start driving my car on bike paths, it's only fair.

   Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...

   I refuse to join your birthday calendar cult!

   The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.

   Attention Walmart shoppers... If you where on the bottom of the pyramid at cheer leading practice, you should not be wearing yoga pants. Thank You.

   We would have discovered the cure for cancer by now if we rewarded, recognized and respected our scientists just as much as we do our sportsmen and celebrities.

   How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?

   still doesn't understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with the white crayon…

   What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes,

   I get worried when I see a pattern on my multiple choice sheet....

   it's ok to kiss a fool, it's ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you.

   Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late..

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.