Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gee, Judging by the lack of smiles on peoples faces today .... A lot of Valentine's wishes went unanswered.

   Hollywood actors praising themselves...The Oscars smh

   Just bought a crap load of staples from Staples. Headed to Dick's now.....

   A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.

   Just because school isn't for you, doesn't mean rapping is.

   When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

   My Ex knows enough to have the Clintons put away . Just putting this out .

   The night before the kids go back to school is the grown ups version of Christmas Eve.

   Do you ever wonder what your pets biological parents would have named them?

   Just sneezed and felt something pop in my neck and my left hand went numb. Might have to put off my UFC career for another week.

   Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?

   When I was a kid I made my dad a clay ashtray. Millennials probably think I should be locked up.

   While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh.

   Some days I feel like I own waterfront property on $h!t Creek.

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room

   It's pretty bad when Playboy deletes their FB page because they don't want to be associated with "low values"

   It's safe to assume that anyone who has a wedding band tattooed on their finger was not a statistics major.

   n't it curious that the SAME FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times and found nothing incriminating ..... ALSO interviewed Hillary Clinton and found nothing incriminating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....... Ya folks ..... We're really in good hands now!

   "Melania's Speech was 100% real... Trust Me I was THERE!" - Brian Williams

   The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn't work if it isn't open.