Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my daughter saw a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does, "A f r I c a n Elephant"

   Now that you really think about it, you've never seen me and Batman in the same room have you?

   Girl On Fire by Alicia Keyes would be a great theme song for a Vagisil commercial!

   says according to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid

   Ambercrombie and fitch said they are going to offer to pay the Jersey Shore cast to stop wearing their clothing. Nothing like one group of douchebags telling another group of douchebags to stop dressing like douchebags.

   I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

   To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1. You tried your best. 2. I don't like onions on my Big Mac.

   Curling irons have a warning tag that says "For External Use Only." Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"

   Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.

   why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? for the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

   That awkward moment when your teacher is helping someone with their work, and her ass is in your face

   This guy's all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Scrw you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk."

   I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it...

   I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I'm a registered sex offender so they'll keep their damn kids out of my yard.

   Everytime this post is liked,, a Member of Congress gets kicked in the genitals.

   doesn't understand what the fascination is with Camping...You work hard all year to pay your Mortgage/Rent, only to spend your vacation pretending you're Homeless

   Dear Santa I've been good all year! Ok most of the time. I Mean once in a while. Oh...F*ck it, I'll buy my own sh#t.......

   Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison?

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says "Help, need ride!"