Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "f**k that" to "yes, dear".

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

   Every New Year we make a resolution to change ourselves… maybe this year try making a resolution to be yourself!

   A girl can post a pic on fb where she looks like the south end of a north bound mule, and there will be some guy who'll post, "You're beautiful!"

   My biggest fear this Sunday is to open my front door and see a kid who I don't know wish me a happy fathers day.

   MOM: “Why is there a condom in your purse?!” DAUGHTER: “I dunno. Would you be happier if you found a baby in my purse instead?”

   Believes that every great idea begins with "Hold my beer and watch this"

   My Dad asked me what I wanted for Xmas tonight. I told him a gift certificate from Adam and Eve so I could get that swing set. He said he thought the kids were a bit old for it but he said he would look it up online. Boy is he in for a surprise.....

   The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance box set. No word yet on which Grateful Dead song it will be....

   Remember when you ordered from Columbia House... the first 5 times?

   I wonder how much they pay Stephen Hawking to make those severe weather announcements on the radio?

   Menstruation Day 1. Don't touch me Day 2. Hug me Day 3. Don't talk to me Day 4. Why don't you speak to me? Day 5. You never understand me

   My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

   I got a letter from the college I graduated from... I hope it's a refund check for my murdered dreams.

   This is a lousy dating site.

   Once upon a time, I used to worry that people would think I'm weird. These days I'm genuinely surprised when they don't. ;)

   Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.

   My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house.

   I wrap all my Christmas gifts in bubble wrap.....it's like giving two gifts in one!

   Some people are better kept only as Facebook friends and never to be interacted with in real life.