Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions

   Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

   I remember a time when I was overly optimistic about the great things that were to come in the new year. Well...here's to not stepping in dog siht while checking the mail in 2016.

   I've always had this fantasy to make love to two women......... Like, in the same year

   A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.

   realized that I'm getting old. 20 years ago all of my friends were on drugs. Now they're all on medication...

   Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.

   Some of my "friends" on Facebook need to be reminded that high school is over.

   Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....

   You said you love spending time with your children. School Snow Days determined that was a lie.

   I have to constantly remind myself of the fact that life is too short to waste it on getting mad at idiots

   Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.

   I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.

   I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.

   Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.

   The amount of times I've "apparently" won an ipod an ipad or an iphone while I'm on the internet would put apple out of business!

   I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating.

   I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...

   I went out to the end of my driveway wearing a bathrobe to get the paper and there wasn't a single neighbor around to say hi. Movies lie.

   *Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 95.