Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

   Just remembering some of my elementary school days and chuckled when I remembered how sitting “boy, girl, boy, girl” used to be a punishment.

   This is a list of people who asked for your opinion.................

   If more people knew what guys did with socks they'd stop giving them to their dad as gifts.

   - My wife got us tickets to The Nutcracker for tomorrow night, so at this point I'm rooting for the Mayans.

   BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer suffers a heart attack after discovering Google Maps.

   Relationships are kinda like hamburgers on TV. They look good, but in real life, they're not that great.

   Serious question: do the Kardashians breed like humans or do they lay eggs?

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a confused 8 year old with aspergers reading the list of toppings at Cold Stone.

   Allergy season must be near... blooming idiots are everywhere

   FYI - Valentines Day is only 5 days away... It's not too late to break up.

   The problem with the general public is that it's made of people.

   Dogs have it so easy, they don’t go through the tedious process of three dates, they just have to smell each others asses.

   Tell a girl a million times she's not fat, she’ll never believe you. Call her fat once she’ll never forget it. Most untold secrets

   Next years VMA's: someone will actually get pregnant on live TV

   DATING TIP: add 'Free Wi-Fi' to your dating profile

   My brain during the day: I need a nap.... My brain at night: I wonder why the Earth was placed exactly here & allowed us to sustain human life....

   I'll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

   any non-drinkers wanna trade a liver for some really good stories??

   Men aren’t as emotional as women because evolution realized early on that you can’t kill a spider by sharing your feelings.