Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer...

   BEST PICK UP LINE: I wasn't looking at your boobs, I was staring into your heart...no, I lied , your boobs are awesome.

   To the people who don't like me... suck it. To the people that do like me... same thing. :)

   The best curves on a girl is her smile.....Naw just kidding look at dat ass!

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   I just wrote go f*** yourself on a piece of paper and put it in the suggestion box at work.

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

   Excuse me Ladies, but my eyes are up here.

   If it looks like a B!tch, talks like a B!tch, and acts like a B!tch! Congratulations you met my EX!!!

   Why do people spill their guts on facebook like it's, "Daddy touched me week" on Dr. Phil???

   According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.

   I promise to avoid all cliches like the plague.

   I am "I remember when Saturday Night Live Was Funny" years old.

   Certain lives matter ... But only when they are k.illed by cops .... But not so much when they are k.illed by each other ....

   So, If the media doesn't cover Hillary Clinton's emails because they say they are Private Conversations, Do they believe Donald Trump consented to have his conversations recorded and saved for future use by NBC? Just wondering.

   This Halloween I'll be a banker. I'll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don't get more candy we all starve.

   “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have” I told my staff while standing naked smoking a bong waiting for money from the government.

   Why do I feel so awkward about asking you for the money you owe me? You owe me. You must feel terrible.

   I can't explain why but whenever I see a blind person, I instinctively refuse to say or do anything to alert them that I'm there. Instead, I stealthily scoot to the side as they pass me. It's what a ninja must feel like all the time.

   I call you sunshine.... not because you rise in the am; but because you go down at night.