Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.

   The San Francisco Giants visited an orphanage in Mexico last week. "It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 6.

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.

   So how did Amish.com happen?

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.

   My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.

   Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word

   I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

   And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

   Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

   The Amish powerball is up to 200 chickens & a goat.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper.. no more zip up boots for me.

   Due to panic buying Walmart has open register #3

   Whelp, it looks like another day we're not going to cure the coronavirus with our Facebook posts.