Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dancing and singing with headphones......apparently frowned upon in court.

   The only thing that could make a Cowboys fan feel better tonight is watching the Jets and being thankful that you aren't a fan of those underachievers.....

   Every year my calendar ends on December 31st and I buy a new one, today i've concluded the Mayans were too lazy to make a new one.

   My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.

   What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...

   Sometimes I think I'm losing touch with reality. At least my imaginary girlfriend is hot.

   She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.

   If you ever find yourself wondering if there is someone new in their life, chances are there is.

   I'm sorry. You need a favor? You know I'd consider it if I weren't so inconsiderate.

   You know what's really beautiful about a beautiful day? ALCOHOL!

   Can't believe they've made a Taken 2...Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann

   Whenever I am feeling down I cheer myself up by reminding myself that I do not have an outie bellybutton.

   Women just don't get it, That men just don't get it.

   That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome

   Sequestering a sandwich.

   I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this sign was here?"

   Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.

   It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.

   You'd be surprised how much stolen Halloween candy you can fit in your mouth when you hear your kid coming.

   America is in labor now, in a few short hours we will find out if it's a boy or a girl.