Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   saying, some people.... need a daily dose of... shut the f**k up!!!

   no more Farmville, Cafeworld or Sorority Life! I will cage your animals, spray your crops, burn your cafe and pimp your sorority girl!!!

   I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it's very distracting

   I don't know what's worse. The fact that there are so many ugly women who walk around like they're all that or the fact that none of them are desperate enough to talk to me.

   I love it when people say they haven't evacuated during a hurricane because they had to protect their homes. Who the hell do they think they are? Superman?

   its better to lose a lover then to love a loser

   Starting a sentence with "I don't want to sound creepy but" doesn't de-creepify the rest of the sentence.

   A note of fact- Under Armor is an clothing designed with exercise in mind. It is not intended to be a girdle.

   50% single...

   I only talk sh*t when I'm strategically located near bouncers.

   Apparently the forklifts at home depot are "not meant for racing and for employee use only."They should really get a sign..

   Living the dream........if the dream was about doing laundry.

   Getting older means I no longer have the energy to do many of the things I enjoy in life, for example being awake.

   If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?

   Today my friend told me that she's "addicted" to running. The only way I'm becoming "addicted" to running is if I'm also "addicted" to being chased by wild animals or the cops.

   i use to have a coke problem........ now its just pepsi

   sometimes I feel like a crayon in a box full of markers...

   One thing I've learned: I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted, then used against me.

   Oh yes Gwyneth Paltrow, you are so very country strong. I guess being born in LA, going to private school NYC and attending college in Santa Barbara really prepared ya.

   I just received a letter from my bank that said I am approved for a loan and a line of credit. Somebody, somewhere, made a huge mistake."