Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   well, the weather outside's delight-fulllll but my account? it's veeeeeeryyyy frightful!! what happened to all my dough??? I DUNNO, I DUNNO I DUNNOOOOOOH !!

   [white house staff meeting] Obama: Any questions?.. *Biden raises hand* Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe... *Biden returns to coloring book*

   A Foolish Man tells a Woman to "Shut Da Hell Up", but a Wise Man tells Her That her Mouth is Extremely Beautiful When Her Lips are Closed.

   I'm watching this dude walk down the street dressed as a woman, pushing a pitbull in a baby stroller. Either he's on drugs or I am.

   After much thought and careful consideration, I have come up with a solution to Afghanistan. Instead of sending 40,000 more troops, let's send 40,000 bears.They will naturally migrate to the caves and eat the terrorists hiding out there.Problem Solved!

   once you go black, you go single parent!

   When does the rioting start in Memphis? Oh wait black guy killed a white cop. Nevermind

   Bin Laden is standing before God waiting to hear his punishment... God gets a tap on the shoulder. There behind him stand 343 firemen, 72 police officers, one K9 officer, 3,000 American citizens & over 5,000 Soldiers, they say."Don't worry God, we got thi

   thinking if somebody invented vibrating tampons women would enjoy their period a lot more!!

   4 truths of life: 1) You can't touch all of your teeth with your tongue. 2) All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it. 3) The first truth is a lie. 4) You're smiling now cause you are an idiot.

   The doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... so I'm going to have to start sitting down when I pee.

   People assume I'm smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Twix bar and they recognize my true genius.

   No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.

   you know you're small when your application to be a porn star in China gets rejected

   What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat? A dandy lion! (I'm here all day)

   Don't judge me until you know me. Don't underestimate me until you challenge me. And don't talk about me until you talk to me

   Rihanna should date Lebron James.. He never beats anyone

   Tonight on TV. there's a documentary about white trash.... I only saw the trailer..

   Being Irish means getting rip-roaring drunk on special occasions. For example, when you celebrate dinner.

   I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, Shark, Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him