life Funny Status Messages

   My Love Life is currently like NCAA mens Basketball, Its down to the FINAL FOUR! But My Wife has the homecourt Advantage!

   I was sitting at the dinner table last night and I meant to say pass the mashed potatoes but I let it slip you stupid B@#ch you've ruined my life

   Dear whoever is reading this, you're beautiful and someone out there is crazy about you. So smile. Life is too short to be unhappy.

   Life, Karma and Payback walk into a bar. BlTCH NIGHT OUT!

   My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug her life support system should my phone need charging....

   Sometimes life is cruel and other times you're unconscious.

   Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

   I've had a rough week, so I'm going to watch Jersey Shore to feel better about my life.

   Random thought: Ed Hardy shirts are the new sweatpants; wearing them in public means you've given up on life.

   "If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

   HOW TO CONTROL PEOPLE: Repeatedly lie to people about a "life-ending event" in the basis of religion enough times to where they slighty believe you and have them talk about it all over the world.

   From the first time I met you I knew that I have to run away from you for the rest of my life

   GIRLFRIEND: “You're leaving after I gave you the best years of my life?” ME: “If those were your best, then I ain’t sticking around for your worst.”

   After a long weekend without your phone, you learn what's really important in life. Your phone.

   Life would be much easier if Christmas decorations grew on trees.

   My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.

   Life didn't hand me lemons. I picked them myself.

   "Sealed for your protection!" Should actually read, "Sealed to make your life difficult!"

   i live my life like i've missed nothing! I started over and am doing it again

   Ever notice how on those Life in Prison documentaries on the Discovery Channel that the prisoners they interview are a lot more respectful and polite than the people on the outside that you encounter every day?