Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

   My goal weight it to be able to breathe while tying my shoes.

   You know how TV commercials for burgers places make the burger look much better in the picture than they do in real life? Yeah, that's FaceBook

   People who confuse the word "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

   Facebook - The only place in the world you can be social while being antisocial.

   When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

   IT'S 2019 Why Isn't there like a booth to get my abs developed in an hour or less yet ?

   The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.

   No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra' and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that my wife does.

   Car washes are just another shower to cry in.

   Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...

   Some recipes are like science fiction. I read to the end and think "Well, that's not going to happen."

   The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements, which included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later?

   Thankful saturday: The saturday after Thanksgiving when all your relatives have finally gone back home.

   Some people like set an example. I prefer to be a warning.

   I think for Christmas Mark Zuckerberg should share some of his wealth with us all we helped him make, or at least give us fonts.

   For Sale.. 2019 gym membership Willing to trade for a case of beer and a large pizza...msg me for details...

   My kids are growing up and I guess that means I'm getting older...that's not what saddens me...what saddens me is that the kids no longer eat for free when we go out anymore.

   When I was a kid we used to keep our Facebook accounts secure with a lock and key we used to call a diary.

   If you're just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, "Is this really all there is to life?" and the answer is no! There's also back pain