Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really don't understand this so called pandemic. We have been social distancing ever since we signed up for Facebook.

   Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.

   My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...

   You never hear anything about the women from Nantucket. I wonder what they are like...

   Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.

   If you sit on the toilet at 1159pm and the clock strikes midnight, it is the same crap different day.

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Girls, Baseball and Tacos.

   My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.

   The brownies I started making in my sisters Easy Bake Oven in 1977 are just about ready if you guys want one.

   Do you always fist bump the cashier whenever your card doesn't get declined? Yeah, me neither. Good talk.

   Dude, you need a Field Goal, two Touchdowns, and two Two-Point Conversions just to take this to overtime. That's impossible! Brady: Hold my beer.

   I decided to start calling my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do every morning is go to the Jim.

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."

   It was fortunate that while investigation into Trump's wild claims took place, there was no other news to report.

   Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house.

   Does anyone know a phone number to a good psychiatrist?.Oh it's not for me, it's for the people who still believe they'll get a check from Bill Gates for sharing and reposting a chain letter to all their friends.

   How different our world would be if the time & money invested to create the various ways to destroy each other was used to save us instead.

   They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.

   Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.