Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a girl got naked in front of me at this point , I'd probably jerk off out of habit, and fold her in half like my laptop when I'm done.

   As another summer movie blockbuster season begins. Once again, Hollywood denies us a Jake and the Fatman movie.

   You had me at "I don't like you that way."

   My phone battery can last longer than most relationships these days. Lmao.....

   just excited I can start wearing heels again. - Katie Holmes

   Marriage is for men who miss staying with their parents.

   There are so many things in life I still need to lick.

   Caution: this Facebook user may use sarcasm and cynicism in a way that you are not accustomed to. Viewer discretion is advised.

   I see a nice candle lit dinner for 2 and she sees an opportunity to b!tch about me not paying the power bill... Not a romantic bone in her body :(

   just had a 4 course breakfast.....Three Bloody Mary's and an Egg McMuffin!

   why is it that when you fart silent somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or sits behind you??

   Monotony is my favorite bored game.

   Don't let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and evict them.

   Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.

   "Don't call me old fashioned or i'll be forced to pummel you in a rousing bout of fisticufs"

   I HATE the commercials that try to connect their product to a virtue of life, such as "Mayo....because everyone appreciates being with family." I could be with my family without Mayo, thanks

   I love the holidays. A time when people are supposed to be more nice and caring, actually become bigger a$$holes than they are the rest of the year.

   What do you call 3 old ladies at a baseball game with a bottle of whisky? Bottom of the 5th and the bags are loaded!

   Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray, That somebody puts that sh*t on YouTube, So I can watch it every day.

   I can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. Go around!!