Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   7/9 = No bra day! Who is responsible for failing to send me the memo? My day could've been a whole lot brighter

   Carry yourself like a queen and you will attract a king! Carry yourself like a hoe, and see how far you will go.

   If your body is a temple, I have a confession to make.

   My advice to Charlie Brown or any kid who wants more friends; don't tell people your dog is a WWI flying ace

   This woman at work is trying to get me fired, for giving her inappropriate massages at the office. I said “good luck with that, I don't even work here”

   I think I want to start today with a nutritious bowl of oatmeal,,, Cause it'll prepare me for all of the other disappointments the day will provide.

   Destroying all of this evidence would go a lot faster if I could shoot lasers from my eyes!

   I assume a pretend apple a day keeps the honorary doctorate types away.

   my android battery last longer than kim kardashians marriage

   Sometimes, when you're having a sh!tty day and you're really stressed out, all it takes is something small, like stubbing your toe, having your printer malfunction, or losing your scissors, to make you break down in tears and lose all hope.

   tough crowd..well thats all for today, drive safe, I'll be here all week

   I don't watch the 10 hr pregame show. My guess it gets to point where they analyze what flavor Gatorade each team will be serving and why.

   Someone needs to tell my apt building that tapping the handle on a shower nozzle shouldn't change the temperature by thousands of degrees at once

   the only way you know who your real friends are is when you change your birthday on facebook and see who write "happy birthday!" on your wall

   Does this mean diaper prices are going down...?

   Osama Bin Laden just found out that his 70 virgins are gay men...too late! Up yours, Osama!!!

   wise beyond my beers.

   If the world is going to end May 21st it could at least end at 7AM not 6PM so I dont have to go to work.

   I'd like to give you a going-away present. .but you have to do your part

   Don't be fooled; foil has a tendencey to glitter more than gold..