Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   is reading his friends' drunken late night what's on their mind posts. Common themes seem to be trying to get laid, "drama" and having "one more" drink.

   Today's word of advice: Never take a muscle relaxer if you've got the trots.

   So Noah from the Bulls looks grungy, apperently basketball is so easy a caveman can do it.

   waiting for you to say something intelligent .

   In the chemistry lab, proving that ugliness is more than skin deep...

   It's a given that whatever hits the fan is never distributed evenly.

   finds himself dating high maintenance women. I'm not sure why - I think because I hate money. Its as though I check out my checking account, and I say: Oh, that's just too much. I need to make an investment that's going nowhere, fast!

   Guys do a pretty good impression of a meerkat whenever a pretty girl walks into a crowded bar.

   Love is like a game, Some people Cheat and some prefer to play it fair.

   Does complaining count as protesting? Cause if so, I'm now a two-time winner of this Time Person of the Year thing.

   It's Hard for me to catch feelings, and Easy for me to lose them.

   You cannot taste me until you undress me. Sincerely , Banana

   Swallow it dammit, it's good for you - Your Pride

   I like my women like I like my chemistry… hard to understand and capable of blowing up at any time.

   This photo booth is always out of toilet paper.

   Are there any other animals besides humans who communicate unnecessarily?

   just heard Anderson Cooper announced he's gay. Don't worry ladies, you still have a shot at Lou Dobbs.

   How many of you are household pets reading this while your owners nap?

   i went on a pleasure trip this morning. I took my mother in law back to the airport.

   Its funny how head and shoulders becomes head, shoulders, knees and toes, when I run out of body wash.