Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Put blue Gatorade in a empty bottle of Windex and walk around the street squirting it into your mouth! Fun times.

   I'm not a bank but I can tell you that I have 0% interest in what you're saying right now.

   Just saw a guy rollerblading while I was driving. Who rollerblades anymore?! Not that guy because I just hit him with my truck. Allegedly.

   I'm hungry .......I really need to hire a wife.

   My daily workout?........ running late for work

   It's not you, it's me. I just don't like myself when I'm around you.

   So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.

   You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven't f*cked off or died yet.

   Scatter seeds of kindness and peace will grow, you stupid idiot.

   I think we all need to get on the same page. I'm on page 69.

   Leaf blowing while wearing leaf-pattern camouflage. Makes them think I'm one of them, so they won't get suspicious!

   ‎30 Days more......to plan another New Year's resolutions or a new start on old habits!!

   Library of Congress to receive entire twitter archive. Now your great great grandchildren can read about how much you pooped.

   In my own little world, I'm kind of a BIG deal!!

   Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you.

   A man walks into a library and says, "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology".

   Actions speak louder than words, but talk is cheap and you have to consider that in this economy.

   it just me or does Pink's new hair do make her look like Mo Howard?

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute

   Had breakfast at Waffle House, as I was leaving the waitress said "Have a waffly day". Now I'm thinking great, a whole day of indecision.