Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"

   Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. I'm gonna live forever!

   you know...."Manuscript" is probably the classiest place to hide the word "anus"....

   Sometimes when I am bored I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes.

   You would have thought that the Mexican Mafia would have done something about Taco Bell by now.

   The love of Money is the root of all evil.. For more information,,,, send $20 to me.

   This stupid farmers market doesn't have any locally grown pizza.

   thankful for all the god given breasts that he put on so many beautiful woman.

   They should really make stomach medicines taste better, cause the last thing I want to swallow when I'm sick is something chalky and ass flavored.

   Just decked the halls. Let that be a warning to halls everywhere.

   Sometimes I take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car.

   I have more money now than I did when I went out last night. Which means I exchanged goods and/or services while drunk. Not good.

   Don't underestimate me, That's my family's job.

   I've found the ultimate troll. Not only did he steal my status, but he corrected my punctuation.

   Person just said they can't wait for technology to beamed them cross country instead of flying. I see it now Error 404 "Passenger Not Found"

   I hardly know you... but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday!

   A study found alcohol makes men better at problem solving, which is good news unless your problem is alcoholism.

   Junk- something you keep for years so you can throw it away three weeks before you need it.

   A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter, The creators of SPONGEBOB were obviously high.

   Money is not a problem. The problem is I don't have Money.