Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see your rules, and raise you my complete disregard.

   I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.

   I thought at this stage of my life, I would have at least one concubine.

   Before you send me an invite to your event, please familiarise yourself with my diva demands.

   You can burn calories by having sex! Related: Looking for a workout partner.

   A good drinking game; watch Wheel of Fortune and do a shot for every time they applause.

   We ignore those who need us and need those who ignore us....

   Shouting "Ewok porn!" during a brainstorming session is neither "productive" nor "funny" apparently.

   I wonder how awkward it was for the guy who invented clapping: *claps* "What're you doing??" Not Sure...but it sounds encouraging

   Best pick up line? Lets go eat. I'm paying!

   With fewer toothpaste choices on the market now, maybe those 5 dentists can finally agree.

   Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have some mad stalking skills plus references.

   Every day above ground is a good day.

   RIP Donna Summer NOW we will never know who left the cake out in the rain

   Time does not heal all wounds. Case in point, leave a gunshot wound untreated and see where that lands you.

   If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their "mental status" in addition to each new status update.

   That high horse you think you're sitting on, is really a low donkey.

   I was good at math, until they decided to start mixing in the alphabet too.

   If you put more money into the car than you did those 23's, you might not be broke down on the side of the road.

   Sometimes I feel like I'm possessed by an old Jewish lady. Especially when paying for something.