Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I always remember our time together. That's why I'm getting a lobotomy. 
I wish we could "Hand Pick" who gets knocked off line on Monday!!!
When my girlfriend caught me cheating I told her I got HACKED but she didn't believe me. I guess that only works on Facebook.
Every time I see a bottle labeled "personal lubricant" I shudder to think of the public kind.
We live in a world where we have to hide to make love, while violence is practiced in broad daylight.
When I say I'm fine it doesn't always mean I'm fine, but what it does mean is leave me the hell alone
The hardest part of growing old is watching my kids grow old...
It's a lot easier to get over someone when you realize that you shouldn't have been underneath them in the first place.
Boys make excuses. Men make changes!
You should see how fast I can go from hardcore gangsta to Irish folk singer when my ipod jumps from Jay-Z to The Swell Season.
doesn't wish anyone harm but wouldn't be upset if Justin Bieber was kicked in the head by a donkey.
I refuse to believe there's enough happiness in the world to justify anyone sticking magnetic daisies on their car.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time
Great news for BlackBerry users: a solution has been emailed to you.
Oprah embraces her half sister & brings her into the family. Tomorrow, I will be showing up as long lost brother - JD Winfrey
Everyone's suitcases all look the same. That's why I always pack my stuff in a treasure chest.
Life Lesson number 1, There is a time each month when a man would rather face death in a 20ft snow drift than spend a day with his significant other. Thank god for 4 wheel drive
Its not the snow, its the shoveling that will get ya.
If I had Two cookies I'd give you one, If I had two guys I'd give you the other cookie
I will abide by every single law and regulation while driving...not because I'm a good driver, but because there's a COP behind me. 