Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Quit hating people because of race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation! Join me in hating people just because they are people! 
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.
"what did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" ( Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my wife.)
They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. After years of marriage, I find it's bad luck after the wedding as well.
Five minutes into a jog, I convince myself that my personality is enough and jog into a McDonalds
So I know it was kind of wicked of me to make chocolate chip cookies when you are on a diet, but I licked them all when they came out of the oven so you wouldn't be tempted.
disappointed that 25% of prostitutes use Facebook to solicit clients and not a single one has ever contacted him!
The only way I'm going to pass this test is if I eat it first.
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant person in an argument.
Walking around with a clipboard and suit on..Makes me feel very important...Even tho I'm not doing anything besides just walking around.
Tom Cruise has finally reached the 71st level of Scientology, Divorce
The problem with natural selection is that it isn't killing stupid people off quickly enough.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Ugh stupid cold weather totally stole my idea to get a lot of attention today.
If you think you have me figured out, that's hilarious because I don't even have myself figured out.
I remember your face, and I even remember what we talked about, but what the hell was your name again?!
I wouldn't consider myself Single, more like I'm in a relationship with Freedom!
.it's almost time for my OBGYN appointment and I haven't even bought a doctor's coat or faked my credentials yet.
There's a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
The bearded lady, the guy with all the body piercings, the dude with 14 toes, the geek biting the chickens head off... Yep, I'm in WalMart. 