Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a Prius is your getaway car, I am afraid you're going to jail.

   If your wife is "rewarding" you with sex when you're good, you really need to work harder at getting her to view sex as her own reward.

   I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.

   Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it's none of my damn business.

   What if the 12/21/12 is the day Winrar trial period ends?

   Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

   In the popularity contest that is Facebook, I'm currently in 609,264,326th place, slightly higher than in real life. Win!

   Waking up for work :(-_-) .. Waking up on a saturday: \( 'O' )/

   The future was so much cooler in the past.

   I don't think I could be friends with anyone desperate enough to choose me as their emergency contact.

   The single most suspicious thing you can do when someone walks into the room is to minimize your browser

   My girl keeps her hair short so instead of holding back her hair when she pukes, I keep her boobs out of the way. I'm nice like that.

   Think about how much women could accomplish if they didn't spend half the day taking pictures of themselves in bathroom mirrors.

   I'm like a newborn baby when I wake up with a hangover. Unaware of my surroundings, sensitive to light and covered in God knows what.

   Don't take it personal, if they don't know you personally.

   Most signs that say there's 24 hour surveillance just mean the sign is there all day.

   I'vs always wanted to slap someone that was panicking

   I don't have a drinking problem. I have a stopping problem.

   I want to have 4 children, and name them Eeny, Meeny, Miney, and Mo

   The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.