Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.

   Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

   I don't even think it's possible for a bear to cook porridge.

   "Auld Lang Syne" is too good to save for New Year's — I like to pump that jam in the middle of summer, with the top down

   FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!

   Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.

   It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

   Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn't hear you the first 100 times.

   The only contribution some people make to society is carbon dioxide.

   wonders why is it that when someone wants to give me advice they "put their two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts". Where is that second penny going? I think I might be getting ripped off...

   Miley Cyrus is going to coach and mentor the Top 11 Finalists on American Idol...In related news, the same agent has booked Tiger Woods to be the mentor on The Bachelor ...

   if at first you don't succeed, you will never make it to second.

   realizes he is too apologetic sometimes. Sorry.

   sooooo hot. In a completely unrelated matter, it is rather warm today.

   No one has ever complimented me on my mountain fresh scent. Either people are jerks or this body wash is bullsh*t.

   You know it's been a good day when you take a shower just to change your PJs.

   I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."

   My buddy introduced me to the girl he's been dating for two weeks and referred to her as "the love of my life." Now I'm struggling to figure out why we were ever friends in the first place.

   When I try to get the picture taken of me and my friends all nicely facing the camera, one person always blinks, another looks like a stroke victim and a third looks like she was just goosed. Come on girls, figure it out - smile and hold the pose.

   10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them.