Funny Status Messages

   Number 1 reason people voted for Hillary Clinton - They couldnt figure out how to tell their parents they were gay.

   Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house.

   United, we put the hospital in hospitality.

   Bill Clinton denied having sexual relations with his intern because it was hugely embarrassing. Melania denies having sexual relations with Donald for the same reason.

   Like most hard working Americans, Trump should be allowed to fly a private jet to his personal golf course and palatial estate at the taxpayers expense without. Everyone getting crazy.

   I don't want our enemies to know what I am thinking, so I will keep my thought s between me and my millions of followers on twitter.

   It is gonna be awkward in the hall today when Jared runs into Sean and asks him what the holocaust Center is.

   Spicer can't concentrate long enough to intelligently discuss the holocaust. He needs to improve his concentration. Do they have camps for that?

   If the plan was to hire a press secretary so incompetent that it distracts people from the Administration's incompetence, then today was a very successful press conference indeed.

   Funny how effective Chicago police are if you havent commited any crimes.

   Sit back, relax and enjoy the fight... -United pilot welcoming passenger

   "Jesus Loves You" is a great thing to hear in Church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   Where is the best place to work if you have one Leg? IHOP

   Typical Hillary/Obama supporters in san bernardino today. They all are very fragile these days.

   "If I get off , It will be on your face" - United passenger

   United Airlines... You Might get to fly and it shows.

   All of these special little "holidays..." I heard they were gonna have a national "I Don't Give A Sh*t" day... But no one gave a sh*t so it never happened.

   Whenever I see a post that only says "I can't" or "I can't even" I assume the person drove off a cliff and the rest of the post was supposed to say "write a complete sentence."

   Hey Sean Spicer … reality called. It misses you and hopes you are doing okay.

   “Can someone call my daughter and find out if I should bomb Syria? She's very beautiful, you know."