Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All of these special little "holidays..." I heard they were gonna have a national "I Don't Give A Sh*t" day... But no one gave a sh*t so it never happened.

   Whenever I see a post that only says "I can't" or "I can't even" I assume the person drove off a cliff and the rest of the post was supposed to say "write a complete sentence."

   Hey Sean Spicer … reality called. It misses you and hopes you are doing okay.

   “Can someone call my daughter and find out if I should bomb Syria? She's very beautiful, you know."

   I feel like everybody judges me when I say Worcestershire sauce...

   Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1) Wearing leggings 2) Having an United Airlines ticket

   In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.

   I can't believe that United Air offered passengers $800.00 and a hotel stay to give up their seat and not one took them up on it.

   If you think that the Kendall Jenner commercial is the worst thing Pepsi ever created, let me remind you that Pepsi also makes Mountain Dew.

   If I don't lose some weight, I'm gonna get one of those lap band things. Not the surgery. I mean I'll be able to fit The Stones on my lap.

   Just want to say a quick prayer to United's Public Relations teams. RIP.

   On the lighter side, United Airlines won't have to worry about being overbooked for a while.

   Drink Bacardi while you workout and call it Bacardio

   I received some good financial news today Muntabe, the African kid I was sponsoring was eaten by a lion

   Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.

   Chances are ladies, that if you're holding an acoustic guitar in your profile pic, I'm not accepting your friend request.

   We live in a generation of weak people. Everything has to be watered down because it's offensive, including the truth.

   Never really got into the show The Walking Dead because I thought it was about the Obama administration.

   I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs.