Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Purina hung up on me. I suggested mouse flavored cat food.

   Back in my day, #Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   Who needs Ringling Bros. when we have the White House.

   It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up

   The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.

   Life is give and take; I give and you take, probably.

   I think I'm going to buy one of those new 3D printers. Then I'll use it to print another 3D printer and then return the original printer to get my money back.

   If you ever get stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad.

   I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   It's not likely that any of you have ever heard of the Fugawi Indian Tribe. It was a lost tribe that spent their days wandering the plains, endlessly chanting, "Where the Fugawi?"

   Since giving up carbs, I've been feeling..Oh, what's that word?? Homicidal...

   If 3 Doors Down is playing the inauguration who's covering their shifts at Applebee's?

   While it was predictable to imagine Trump criticizing John Lewis, it's impossible to imagine him risking his life for the rights of others.

   When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...

   I am way too stoned to drive drunk officer .

   I heard someone say they wouldn't wish Dementia/Alzheimers on their WORST ENEMY. I would. They'd forget about killing me.

   My wife said, "You're driving me to my grave!" I had the car out in two minutes.

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   CNN = Counterfeit News Network

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".