life Funny Status Messages

   If a man aspires towards a righteous life, his first act of abstinence is from being a douchebag.

   If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.

   Well, in happier news, I was shocked to step from of the shower and find out I was out of deodorant---so I smeared a magazine sample of Old Spice "night life" under my arms until I get to the store...Macgyver ain't got nothin on me!

   Well, if you had to grow up with bad food, bad teeth, bad music, and a Euro-Economy....life really is not worth living for.....is it?

   Maybe if you had a perfect attendance record in school as you do in the club your life would be better off.

   What the shelf life of fruit cake? I think the one I have in our pantry is from 1989...Do you think I could still regift it?

   Why do men like football? Because the biggest priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man's life.... Scoring and Ball Security.

   The only success in life is making someone drive back and forth in front of your house late at night, wishing they were still with you.

   Your life must be really pathetic if you spend your time and energy fighting against the rights of others.

   I have to take a dump, but my iPhone battery life is at 5%

   The biggest obstacle to living your life happily the way you want is other human beings.

   The soundtrack to my life would just be the sound of a single car door shutting. Every. Single. Weekend.

   LEON- Mathilda, nothing's the same after you've killed someone.. Your life is changed forever. You have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life...

   I've come to a life altering decision. I'm giving up the guitar, and gonna to learn to play that thing in the Ricola commercials.

   So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I'm on Facebook, I don't have money or a life.

   You're the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here.

   Why do people say you can;t have your cake and eat it too? That is the complete opposite of every cake having experience I have had in my life.

   Alright kids... Life is going to continue to throw the same lesson at you until you finally learn it, so don't act all surprised when your boyfriend/girlfriend situation explodes in flames like it always does when you keep choosing the same type of clowns

   My life has been brought to you by.............. "It seemed like a REALLY good idea at the time (Insert: "Officer", "Your Honor", or "Doc" here)."