Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just bought a robotic vacuum cleaner that not only works great it allows me to get something productive done while looking at facebook!

   Give up carbs?? Over my bread body!!

   The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because no one would be able to find it.

   Having babies is the solution to all of the world's problem? Sigh.

   If I were ever to win the lottery, first thing I'd do is hire someone to clean my kids room...and then buy some chicken wings with the $20 I have left over.

   The people who doesn't believe we landed on the moon in 1969 are the same people who wears tin foil hats, thinking almost everything a is a conspiracy orchestrated by someone with nothing to do.

   To the people who have smoke alarms: Where’s your sense of adventure?

   Can't believe Gronk didn't wait until 6/9 to retire!

   What goes up,must come down. If it hasn't after 4 hours,consult your doctor .

   For a song called " piano man" dude with the harmonica won't shut the hell up

   My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles once . For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

   Here are 5 things you should know about me: 1. I’m very secretive

   Uh oh. My car's GPS asked me, "Who's Siri?"

   Beto is like the guy that gets cut from the High School football team and says now he's going to join the NFL

   My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.

   Life lesson 249: A short temper is not a sign of strength.

   Just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

   What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.

   I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....

   My noise reduction feature on my new hearing aid dosen't work..... I can still hear my wife yapping.