Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   at the ATM the other day and an old lady approached and asked me to help check her balance.....So I pushed her

   In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide!! " linkin Park - New Divide"

   The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old, I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

   I want to do something different tonight so am thinking about sitting on the TV to watch the sofa!! hehehe

   Fighting for peace is like f**king for virginity!!!

   My friend has just been sacked from the jigsaw factory. She's in pieces.

   Coke dealers. Always sticking their business in other people's noses.

   drank some Chinese beer, ...now the room smells like fireworks.

   has a camera, a wire coathanger and some baby oil and is bored so might try doing a colonoscopy on himself

   You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

   just got a Nintendo video game unit for my bathroom....it's called the Wii-Wii.

   I've been arrested for being the ugliest person in the country. Can you come down the station and show them they've made a mistake?

   Got my first real sex dream, I was 5 at the time. Played it till my fingers bled. It was the summer of 69.

   Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.

   thinking if your relationship Status says "It's complicated". Stop kidding yourself and change it to Single!

   almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing

   If candy was named after a High School social group like "Nerds," than would they come out with candy named "Hoes" and "Jocks?"

   There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

   Dear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman

   ear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman