Funny Status Messages

   My brother is in the Army. He invented the Standard Issue Kevlar Condom......It protects soldiers in the bush.

   ..crossword puzzles always remind her of her arguments with her exes. One word leads to another...

   disappointed in his new phone. It promised more bars in more places but all I see are the same old bars and the same old drunks.

   Warning: May contain traces of nuts,may cause drowsiness, some assembly required, but not tested on animals.

   was like whoa this must be a dream........POKE ME!!!!!!

   Vikings Prayer; Our Favre-ther who art in Mississippi hallowed be thy name. Thy bowl will come, it will be won, In Miami as it is in the Dome. Give us this Sunday, Our weekly win. Give us touchdown passes, but do not let others pass against us. Lead us no

   Nurses can be very delicate individuals. They're caregivers. Sensitive. Empathetic. And sometimes they stick a thermometer in your butt!

   My Love is Like Hell! My Family is like Heaven, My Friends are the Best, & I'm Completely Drunk!

   heres a bombshell just for you...turns out i've been lying too

   Life gave me LeMoNs. . . So I mixed it upp to be sweet and got MeLoNs!

   It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt

   There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

   To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

   Long live the Spork!

   Peace of mind makes the body healthy, but jealousy is like a cancer.

   I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it.

   Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.

   I only drink to make other people seem interesting.

   Believe nothing of what you hear, and only half of what you see.

   There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch someone you love walk away after they have left you. To watch the distance between your two bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space and silence