Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   an expert on escaping padded cells and straight jackets

   : Dear Santa, For being so good this year, can I get a look at that naughty girls list?

   What are three words a man doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"

   Recently the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" passed away at the age of 104. His last words were, "I can't believe that's what it's all about."

   Turns out Tiger was getting more 'tang than a thirsty astronaut.

   just found out my mom is the 10th mistress to be linked to Tiger Woods.

   weed is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

   my english is getting gooder and gooder

   would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids... or the cctv footage

   I figured out why I can't get off this damn computer......I have a farm to Harvest, Fish to feed and a zoo to keep up....FML!

   sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street, smack them on the chest, yell 'YOU'RE IT!!' and then run away.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

   Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

   went to a doctor and got tested positive.. for being the shiittt!

   Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

   I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

   I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it

   I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

   I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

   Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.