Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   gonna by my kid a pack of batteries with a note that says toy not included.

   if the truth hurts. why are you not crying?

   REPOST!! URGENT FACEBOOK UPDATE: As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children and pets. To turn this option off, go to settings, then privacy, then meals. Click the top two boxes to prevent the employees of Facebook from eating your be

   f you don't know, as of today, Facebook will automatically start plunging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings: then Planetary Settings: then Trajectory: then UN-CLICK the box that says 'Apocalypse.' Facebook kept this one quiet.

   pretending I'm a rock super star with Barney karaoke !!!

   As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your kids and pets. To turn this option off, go to Settings, then Privacy, then Meals. Click the top button to not feed the employees of Facebook. Copy this to your status to warn your friends!

   hiding in the T.A.R.D.I.S. hiding from the Daleks.

   Statistics show that kids between the ages of 2 and 8 believe that Sponge Bob Square Pants is actually a cheese....

   I'm my best friend, and I'm my worst enemy

   The very existence of the flamethrowers status proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to contribute, but I am not original."

   Guy: I have a girlfriend. Girl: I have 2 goldfish. Guy: Wtf??? Girl: Oh, I thought we were talking about things that didn't matter

   this status has been blocked by your manditory internet censorship filter for your own good.

   is upset that facebook won't let him start a relationship with himself

   Man is it cold outside...just want to give a shout out to whoever invented the padded bra...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

   In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just me a fist for punching.

   not only is band not a sport, it's just stupid. honestly. I want to watch football not freaks dressed up in some of the gayest costumes ever prance around the field

   Better to be bad and remembered than be good and forgot

   some balls are held for charity and some for fancy dress but when they're held for pleasure, their the balls that I like the best

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”

   on an important conference call. I guess I should be listening but my farms need tending dammit!