Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For all of you out there you are so infatuated with Olympic Curling, be sure to check your local listings for the Paint Drying World Championships later this year.

   I wonder, if I drive by myself, does it still count as a carpool since I'm bringing the voices in my head with me?

   thinks it's funny when the kids on the paternity episodes of Maury Povich look like my friends. It's okay guys, I ain't saying a damn thing.

   It's so cold out that I now have 2 bb's and a tick tack

   Slutty Is The New Trend..Well Aren't You Just The Little Trend Setter?

   Drinking Heinekin Light and Eating Fat Free Doritos. Gotta get ready for beach season!

   I don't know what the big deal is. Rosa Parks never called shotgun.

   An Apple a day keeps Windows Away ...

   thinks Toyota should use pringles slogan: Once you start, you just can't stop

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an App for that. It's called "respect".

   Stop telling me to stop drinking; even the bible says He brews.

   smoking crack with his pet monkey

   I think Tiger Woods and Toyota should team up for a comeback and run an advertisement with their new motto: I swear we can stop."

   I won't stand for gossip. I prefer to sit down and make myself comfortable.

   Earth is full. Go home.

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

   Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

   Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

   The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

   Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.