Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife comes home and says "What would you do if I won the lottery?" "I would take half and leave your ass!" "good I won 12$ here's 6$ now get the fu$k out!"

   Don't piss on my boots and tell me it's raining

   women dont fart until they get married

   "The next part will be difficult. You will be taken. So, can I borrow your car for like 3 days?" (Liam Nuisance)

   Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family, just in case the one you have wasn't enough.

   muliple personality disorder and schizophrenia. No we don't.....WHO SAID THAT?!!!

   I would not say that I am living in the fastlane, but I am experiencing life at a high rate of WTF's per minute.

   There are hundreds of languages throughout the world but a smile speaks them all! ◕‿◕

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted... How's that working' out?

   If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... oh wait, he does.

   Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

   loves facebook b/c it gives him the perfect media to use the third person!!!

   Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

   faling for someone... or it might be gas.... It's been so long I can't tell the difference...

   Pat Robertson blamed hurricane Katrina on sexual sin,he blamed the Haiti earthquake on a supposed pact with satan. We havn't had any severe disaster up here in Canada yet but he'll probily blame it on the success of Justin Bieber or Pamela anderson.

   A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" they says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

   Man Ive been sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, have a stuffy head, and a fever... is there any kind of medication that I can take for that and it will help me rest???

   Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   Needs a brain laxative.......there's too much crap in here!!!

   I only have sex on days that begin with "T". Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday.