Funny Status Messages

   a instant human.........just add coffee

   Donate an organ and give your heart to Jesus

   everybody needs sex. we need stories to tell are friends. Like "the prostitute gave the money back... no lie."

   Don't you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back or laugh at them.

   Saw Jack B. Nimble today at the candlestick store. Don't know why he has to jump over those things! Seems too risky.

   finds is dam funny that Chris Brown sang the American anthem at one of the biggest boxing matches in 5 years...

   24 beers in a case... 24 hours in a day... is that a coinsidence???

   not goin bald....im just gettin more head!

   Police found the device in a smoking Nissan Pathfinder. Thank God it was a Nissan. If it had been a Toyota, you know it would have blown up.

   That runaway oil well in the Gulf of Mexico continues to gush about 200,000 gallons of oil a day. To put that into perspective: That's the equivalent of about ten buckets of K.F.C.

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised it didn't come with both arms raised.

   NOTE TO SELF: Remember not to discuss my personal life on FaceBook. And don't forget to pick up rash cream..........

   Be careful when someone wants to take you to ANOTHER LEVEL, I listened to that and now I am in another level, but much lower than I was before!

   Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?

   May the 4th be with you!

   I just heard that Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus are going to sing Country Music together…….. I think their new group should be called the Ditsy Chicks….

   Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young ones

   Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

   I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

   May God have mercy on my new vibrator.