Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't call me sugar, call me Splenda. I'm artificially sweet.

   Did you hear about the blind man who was walking down the street and as he passed the fish market he tipped his hat and said, "Good evening ladies.

   Cremaster muscle- the muscle that raised the testes when cold. Sumo wrestlers can voluntarily move this muscle to protect themselves.

   You've been dating for 2 days - you don't love each other.... Shutup!

   cancelling Mondays due to lack of interest!!!

   wondering why the hair on her legs grows so much faster than the hair on her head!

   would like to remind everyone that today is "Spay & Neuter Your Rednecks Day."

   Its simple.PG,means the hero gets the girl,PG13 means that the villain gets the girl and 18 means everybody gets the girl!!!

   Males are born with a closed fist.Girls are born with the left hand cramped in a position of the size of a credit card!

   just did a shot of wheatgrass* and now I'm off to the gym**! (*=bourbon, **=pub)

   going to write a meaningful new Facebook status update, filled with deep, thoughtful sentiments, but screw that.

   I just love some of the things men say to get us into bed"Baby I'll only put it in for one minute!"What am I?!?!A fricken microwave!?!!!

   The function of muscle is to pull and not to push, except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.~Leonardo Da Vinci

   looking at the "voluntary" tax contribution box on his 1040 form and wondering what planet those IRS guys are from.

   says having kids means having pictures in my wallet where I used to have money!!

   Waking up on a Monday morning isn't hard. Convincing myself that getting out of bed is worth it---that's the real challenge

   maybe it's just me, but the term "cul-de-sac" always makes me think of a scrotum.

   -- Is it called a "Wonderbra" because when she takes it off you wonder, where the f**k have her t*ts gone ?......

   If there's one thing I like to rock,it's casbahs.

   women are much smarter than men.Think about it,diamonds are girls' best friend...a mans best friend is a dog.