Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I hear a strange noise at night, I mentally prepare to fight off an intruder. If it's a velociraptor, I'm also totally ready.

   There is always a double standard when strip clubs have 'All You Can Eat' buffets.

   It's called cocaine and you dont want no part of this sh!t...It turns all your bad feelings into good feelings. It's a nightmare

   when you really think about it….life and nature are pretty simple….it's all about finding food, building shelter, and getting some

   I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to

   the trouble with life is there is no background music

   not a mover and a shaker but instead I'm a wiggler and jiggler.

   wonders if a bunch of Shamwows will help clean up the spill in the Gulf

   : Dont you just wish you could go back to being a kid and let the adults take care of the problems that they created for themselves?

   copying your profile picture so I can put it in my wallet and pretend its my girlfriend

   Rihanna wants a rude boy...Didnt she get her a$$ whooped by one already?

   A recent 100 million dollar study conducted by Harvard University just discovered that running out of money may be the main cause for Bankruptcy.

   Taking a picture of a flower does not make you a photographer......

   Was trying to sign up for a website... It ask me what state I lived in... I couldn't find confusion nowhere in the drop box...

   Did I just say that! Or did I think it! Damn they spotted me..

   One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions

   will never wear a red shirt at target again.

   KFC want you to buy a Bucket of obesity and heart attack inducing food for Breast Cancer? COME ON SON!!

   Some people have an inflated view of their importance in my life.

   my girl said she needed some space, so I shipped her off to NASA