Funny Status Messages

   Just so you know, only looking out for yourself and abandoning everyone else isn't very Christian like. You know that's true.

   I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.

   If aliens ever flew overhead and observed me walking my dog leading me around with a leash picking up his poop behind him I wonder if they would confused who's in charge of this world?

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   I'm just playing devils avocado here

   I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

   Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.

   Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he's having computer problems?

   FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

   I'm dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

   You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.

   Want to know the secret to success? Delete your Facebook account.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.... It's not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

   Want people to leave you alone this fall? Tuck in your sweater.

   NASA plans on looking for water on other planets besides Mars..... I would drink water from other planets. I’m not sure about water from Uranus, though

   Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love

   A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

   I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

   Hear me out.. A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

   Sushi's just never quite as good re-heated the next day.