Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the woman at WalMart with all those screaming, unruly kids. I slipped a large box of condoms in your cart when your head was turned. You are so welcome!

   Alright! Drunk me from last night made hungover me some epic sandwiches for lunch today. Man, I love that guy!" :)

   google 'waynesworld'... its gonna be bigger than crapbook

   When a man speaks, people listen, then look. When a woman speaks, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   figured out when ordering at Starbucks, it pretty much works out to $1 a word

   Never hold your farts in. They go up your Spine then into your mind and that's where you're shi*ty idea's come from!"

   The playground for success is a mere paradox to the reality in which we live

   someone told me I am immature and need to grow up...so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now

   There's a new social networking site for girls with great bodies but not so great faces. It's called Butterfacebook

   Does anyone think that Snooki's latest "Disorderly Conduct at the Beach" have to do with her stomach being out?

   Zipper vs. Penis .... Who ya got??

   wonders if rappers know that Ben Franklin was never president of the USA.

   Just think of all the millions and millions of people Dr Laura will help by being off the air

   anyone else noticed that the orbits girl in the commercial is different now? What happened to the original orbits girl?

   Putting the "i" in team since (insert your date of birth)

   Just face it.... 9 out of 10 of your facebook friends would never be your friend in real life.

   She never lied to you. She promised to be your first and last... she just never said anything about all the others in between.

   I wouldn't feel too good about yourself... "inner beauty" is just a nice way of saying you're fat.

   well in his defense.. You are only his step sister.