Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm Starving....well obviously not in a third world kind of way.....

   life is like a box of chocolates..and sometimes you get ex lax....

   climbing into your windows and snatchin yo people up...

   There is a guy walking down the street. He has sagging pants, a hoodie with the hood up, and a gold chain. He walks into a convenient store and pulls out a gun and says "Give me all of the money!" Quick, What was the race of the guy in your imagination?

   Thinking about moving to New York and setting up a mobile bacon sandwich stand about a couple of blocks from Ground Zero.

   If NASA is looking for anyone to go on a long term trip to Mars I would gladly volunteer right now. Anything to get the hell of this crazy planet would be good actually.

   Loading Swagg... ██████████████ 100% Complete.

   Is it bad that when I saw the name "Ke$ha" I automatically thought she was Black?

   My advice to strippers: Dont stop, get it, get it. Get that payment for your Civic.

   I think it was Confucius who said "I'm like a dog in heat, a freak without warning. I have an appetite for sex 'cause me so horny."

   I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.

   Don't judge a book by it's cover, but do judge a person by their Facebook status.

   Congrats, you're pregnant! But do you really need to take ALL those pictures of yourself showing your belly? I can't take 9 months of this!!

   Fighting cavaties. :)

   playing punch buggy with your mother

   A bum jus asked me "can you spare ne change", I said it @ the same time he did & called 'Jinx'. Now he cant ask 4 change until I say his name

   You know life sucks when you have to start wearing "corrective" underwear.

   If Glenn Beck runs for President, I want to see a birth certificate proving he was born on this planet.

   After Palin's speech today, we need a rally for Restoring Grammar.

   A Guy gives a girl 12 roses, 11 real, 1 fake, and tells her "I will love you until the last rose dies<3