Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.

   would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook

   So I'm giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)

   Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.

   "Hi, one ticket for 'The Social Network,' please."

   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

   white man will never be jealous of the black man's "progress". Consider revising. It's all good in "da hood" Get over yourself.

   Accidentally grabbed my hair gel instead of my body wash when I went to the shower,,,,, should see my fluff, looks like a 70's porn star fluff!

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use dryer sheets again!

   likes movies where the guy gets the girl in the end. That's why I like porn@ movies, because the guy usually gets the girl in both ends.

   starting to see some change I can believe in

   Ok who was the moron that came up with idea of the kiddie shopping carts shaped like animals,trains, race, cars or whatever! Parents do you really need to push your kids around the store in in a shopping cart bigger then the car you came to the store in!

   Great taco from Taco bell today......with the spoon of meat and all the lettuce I was not sure if it was for eating or smoking!

   with 60% of the precincts reporting. "U. R. Stilscrewed" looks to be the winner in the Senate, with "Ben Dover" holding a slim lead for Congress.

   This is what I spent all those years learning my ABDs for?

   I have been working in a mirror factory for years now. It's what I've always seen myself doing.

   Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing.

   ELECTION DAY UPDATE: I just had some pizza and a soda.

   Its all fun and games until the k9 unit shows up and tell you to pop open the trunk. I wish I was never born

   thinks instead of Jerry Springer using a Boxing Bell; he should just tie Cow Bells around all the Heifer's Necks....