Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marshawn Lynch just became the first caveman to score a touchdown in Seattle playoff history.

   Thought I was inconsonant. Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.

   I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......

   Ke$ha, Why dont you clean your face before you make a ''music'' video?

   everybody is entitled to their opinion no matter how wrong they may be.

   the next time I get pulled over, and the cop asks .. "do you know why I pulled you over" I'm going to respond with "y did you already ferget?"

   wondering if you can do me a favor? Tell me if this rag smells like chloroform.

   My girlfriend just said she was leaving me because of my gross habits and childlike behavor.It shocked me so much that I almost choked on my toenail, which would have surely given up my position in the hide-and-go-seek game I was in with my imaginary frnd

   I got an iPod for Christmas, gave my son an iPad, gave my gf an iRon

   My eighty year old neighbor neither agreed with or could conceive the foreign idea of the “I before E” rule isn't that weird .

   I'm pretty damn sure that Starbucks has no idea we're in a recession.

   My car keys are kicking my ass at hide and seek.

   the perfect body.......would someone please help me get it out of my trunk though, it's really starting to smell.

   The difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, its a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, its a grizzly.

   You give that porn actress an award?, she sucks! Nevermind....

   ladies only naked K-Y Twister tournament at my place tonight at 9pm.

   you might be a redneck if You can spit without opening your mouth.

   Apparently it is frowned upon to walk into a bank yelling “It's my Money and I want it now!” Thanks a lot J.G Wentworth

   Someone just told me that Obama has a concrete plan to solve all economic problems. Would you like to go iceskating? Because I'm pretty sure Hell just froze over...

   I have two Italian grandmothers..I am impervious to guilt.