Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing

   My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

   you dont pay her for sex, you pay her to leave after you are done

   No education/common sense + a little success/money = Broke in a few years.

   Every time someone uses "your" instead of "you're" on Facebook, an angel punches a kitten in the face.

   when judging someone for falling down remember someday you may need them to help you up.

   The only 3 words I'm expecting to hear this Valentines Day are.... "Your perscription's ready..."

   note to self, next time at the sperm bank.. when offered 'adult materials', don't give a quick wink to the nurse and say "no thanks, I've got a great imagination".

   clothes dont make the man, but he gets no respect without them

   Friend: Who r you going for in the Superbowl? Me: Um, the Superbowl was last weekend. Friend: Ya, but isn't there several? Me: No dude, there's only one.....i think your thinking of baseball...

   BREAKING NEWS: Mubarak to remain in office, "I will step down when the Cleveland Cavaliers win a game." More details coming soon.......

   While I'm Gone....Just smile it's the 2nd Best thing you can do with your Lips....

   We've gotten too much snow lately. Everywhere outside it looks whiter than the audience at a Toby Keith concert!

   not pleased with the results of Googling myself.

   I was driving around today and the sun was out and the snow is melting so I think it's time to take your Christmas decorations down now.

   getting a tattoo of Tattoo from Fantasy Island.

   Some people need to learn that the right to remain silent pertains to posting on Facebook too.

   I remember when making a mix tape for your girlfriend was the perfect Valentine's gift.

   Do you like apples? You do? Well....shut up.

   been to the same shop every week for the last year just to buy Milk. Now I have 52 copies and I wouldn't even call myself a Sean Penn fan.