Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was in my doctors office the other day. he said "One last thing, you really have to stop eating so many eggs." I said "Is my cholestoral too high?" Then the doctor said " No, but you farted in the waiting room and darn near killed everyubody.'

   It is never greener on the other side, especially IF you take good care of your own lawn and take time to appreciate it!!!

   Valentines day was set up as a yearly reminder for wimps who couldnt appreciate the best they have every day!

   A Valentine's Day tanning bed trip.  Because nothing says "I love you" quite like "I wish you were different."  Way to go Don Juan.

   Okay, which one of you single ladies wants to have casual valentine's sex with me tonight?

   It's better to have loved and lost than to have spent the rest of your life with that psycho. Happy Single Person's Awareness Day!

   Happy Valentine's Day...... this statement costs me 5.99 per "like" .... thanks Hallmark....

   Save up to 100% in gifts when you break up a day before VDay & make up 2days after!!

   grade school tupac valentine card: instead of takin the test cupid pumped two in my chest...be mine

   yikes, that Rolling Stone has gathered some moss.

   Then God made Saturn, and He liked it so much he put a ring on it.

   trying to arrange a week off work so I can watch 127 Hours

   thinking about that chimp that tore that womans face off....but I gotta say chris browns attack really didnt leave rihanna that bad.

   Dear Rihanna! When you're done playing with the toilet paper, please wind it back into the roll!!!!.....

   Rihanna outfit was only missing the bullet deflecting bracelets...

   Why does Bob Dylan sound like the Cookie Monster and Marge Simpsons love child?

   bacterial outbreak stemming from the playboy mansion? I think thats called an STD!

   tuned in to watch the Grammys but didn't see hardly any grandmothers at all.

   Mick jaggers performance was so late in the evening because they had to wait for the sun to go down so he could rise from his coffin.

   Sex is the price women pay for marriage,and marriage is the price men pay for sex